Hello dolly!

I read in today’s Sun – only the best in my house, Reader – that the world’s first sexbot doll has been unveiled.  And she’s called Roxxxy.  I ask you.  What else was on the flipchart?  What’s wrong with names like Muriel or Helen?  Or Emma, while we’re at it?  (Have a read of the article.  It’s really creepy.  Especially when the bloke from the rubber doll company says: “She’s a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch.” Eeew).

But here’s the rub – not only does Roxxxy come with five different personalities (which sounds like a psychotic disorder to me but what do I know about sexbots?) she – wait for it – talks! Yes! About football and cars. This, clearly, is what men want while sharing a sexual act with a lump of latex.

Can you imagine?

Bloke:  Ooh, baby, yeah!

Roxxxy:  Yes, that’s absolutely top notch but did you know that the recent icy roads have clearly demonstrated that rear-wheel drive cars perform poorly in wintry conditions, especially on hillocks.

Bloke: Oooh – do you want me to do what I’m doing harder?

Roxxxy:  The off-side rule which is when a player is in an offside position if he is nearer to his opponents’ goal line than both the ball and the second last opponent!

Bloke:  Oh, yeah, yeah!

Roxxxy:  Error 404!  Cashier number four please!  After 100 yards, turn left.  Press 3 for accounts…

Sexy, isn’t it?

It begs the question: who did the voice??  And what did they have to do at the audition?

In the interests of equality, a male version of the doll (to be named Rocky) is also planned.  (Rocky!)  What the hell will Rocky talk about?

Rocky:  No, I don’t fancy it tonight, love.  Anyway, QI‘s on in a minute.  And no, I won’t take the bins out. It’s bloody raining out there, you daft mare. Put the kettle on, will you, love?  And bring me a couple of custard creams while you’re at it, I’m starving here.

Livesey Lives on 5 Live!

This evening, I’ll be on the very first Tony Livesey show on BBC 5 Live, if anyone wants to have a listen.


Photo by Ivan Chacon

“Can you break physics and make this commercial read to time, please? Thanks!”

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Emma Clarke

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