“I’m sorry I have a cold.”
I’ve been off work this week with a cold. Now, some of you might think this is pathetic – off work with a sniffle! But think about it, Reader. I talk for a living. And who wants Nasal Nelly on their ad? I’ll tell you. NO-ONE!
For me, getting a cold complete with a bad throat is an occupational hazard. I am at the mercy of mucus. Because it’s arguably the bit of my body I use most of all – apart, obviously from my colossal arse on which I sit all ruddy day – it tends to get the brunt of any virus clever enough to breach my INCREDIBLE immune system. So I’ve been off for days: a shivering, snivelling wreck I was. People were just ringing my office to listen to the daily update I left on the answerphone, then they’d hang up, laughing. I sounded like a swamp creature. It was pathetic.
Today’s my first day back in the office and I’m on ‘light duties.’ This means not voicing ads with too many nasal consonants in them. It’s funny but when I talk on mic I sound OK cos I resonate the sound into the top of my head but off mic I sound like Bonnie Tyler’s snotty gran.
Really bad cold
I once had a really bad cold and had this client who insisted they wanted me to do this ad. I told him I had a cold. He said it didn’t matter. I said, no really, I sound terrible. He said, no I want you to do the ad. I said, no, really, you’re making a terrible mistake. He said, look bitch, I’ve booked you, so do it. So I did.
It was for “The 1999 North West Knitting and Needlecraft Exhibition at G-Mex.” Try saying that with a cold. Hilarious.