Search Engine Optimization ‘experts’? Don’t make me laugh…

We’re all familiar with the unsolicited emails that vomit daily into our Inboxes, aren’t we?  The emails from hard-up African princes, the cheap Viagra ads, the penis enlargement medication, the weight-loss pills – we all get them. (It’s not just me.  Is it??)  And as someone who has a website, I get emails from people claiming to be Search Engine Optimization experts.

I love these emails!

  • They claim to be able to put me at the top of every engine, search and otherwise, on the PLANET.
  • They claim my current search engine position is so low the only people who find my website find it by accident, probably when they’re searching for penis-enlargement medication.
  • They claim I have such a low inbound link stat they think I’m the website equivalent of the ashen-faced attic-bound orphan with no friends.
  • They tell me that for a fee, they and they alone can ‘save my business.’

I get the phone calls as well. Sometimes I play along for a while, pretend I don’t know what they’re talking about, even ask them if ‘a Google’ is a cricketing term.  And sometimes, Reader (and it shames me to admit it) I am rather pompous.

Last week I got one of these emails and thought I’d share it with my web people.  They loved it. They even wrote a blog about it they loved it so much.  Read it – go on.  It’s very funny.  It’s all about how SEO people like this can’t be arsed to do any real research, how SEO’s are often just the front end of spamming scams, how they actually don’t know what they’re talking about because Google don’t bother putting a criteria on inbound links any more and haven’t done for ages.

So if there are any Search Engine Schisters reading this, I’d like to make a few things clear:

  • Please don’t phone me again.  Your patter makes me laugh too much.
  • Please stop emailing.  My colleagues and get too distracted by your hilarious claims to get any serious work done.
  • Why not think about doing a line of work that requires professionalism, integrity and honesty?


Oh come on.  Give me a ring and let me optimize you.

“Can you sound like an obese South American woman?”

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Emma Clarke

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